High Maintenance Mom

I recently attended a talk by Madeline Levine, author of The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressure and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids. It was a fabulous talk and I recommend the book. Levine talked about how we give birth twice, once to our fantasy child and the later to the real child. I feel as though I'm working on our fourth as I struggle to see our second child as his own person, not his brother, not my first version of a perfect child, and not my now modified version of what he could be...

One of Levine's patients had said, "It's amazing that my mother was everywhere and nowhere at the same time." I'm guilty of rushing the kids around on the weekends to soccer, swimming, or playdates while trying to squeeze in errands and phone calls. The patient's comments are in a sense a glimpse into the future if our kids' activities continue to increase and we don't make changes. My solution, is to schedule downtime for the kids and for me. I'm trying to schedule a few hours on each weekend day for the kids to play. For at least 20 minutes of each day, I try to sit with them while they play so we can interact when they want. I read, sort mail, fold clothes, or help pick up. Since the kids are now almost 6 and 4, they don't need me to direct their play, but if I'm in the room ready to talk or help when they want, it's as if we all played together the whole time. Plus, I often make progress on something else too - often something I don't want to do on my own.

Levine also gave solutions, starting with the basics we may not prioritize as much as we should. Make sure your kids get enough sleep and eat three healthy meals a day (plus snacks). Sleep and food are really important. Everything is more challenging when we're tired and hungry. She then talked about how important chores are because they teach kids to be part of a community. I'm sure we can all imagine a roommate who most likely never had to clean their own room as a child. When we help our kids learn to clear their plates, get dressed, put their clothes in the hamper, and other chores before they play, we're helping them learn about self control. I hadn't thought of it this way before, but she mentioned that one of the main reasons for teenage death is poor self control. So the next time you're tempted to do something for your kids that they are able to do on their own, think about how important it is for you to help them learn about self control.

She also mentioned that discipline is much harder with teenagers so we need to take care of ourselves. It's easier to listen to the awful things they will say about us if we're happy about the rest of our lives. So find ways to take time for yourself. Try to compliment yourself throughout the day and find something to smile about - even if it involves barf, snot, or the color play-doh turns when it's all been mixed together.