High Maintenance Mom

With kids getting ready to start the new school year and my three year-old working on how to play with others, I've been thinking a lot about how we learn to interact. B has been upset because his friend for the past three years has been telling him he doesn't want to be his friend anymore. I was surprised by how much I read into the situation before I asked for more information...

I think everyone can remember a time someone said something to them they didn't like. I have very clear memories of my mom talking with me about my horrible fifth grade year (who knew that being the teacher's pet in the fourth grade would lead to being told no one wanted to be my friend in the fifth grade and everyone had previously been pretending so the teacher would like them too...). Although it didn't make the teasing completely go away, the conversations with my mom did help me to understand it and deal with it (my fourth grade friends eventually returned). Having now moved into a new chapter in my life where taking the time to care, takes time away from things I need to get done, I was surprised to return to these behaviors with our three year-old.

An article by Michele Borba, Ed.D. (author of Building Moral Intelligence : The Seven Essential Virtues that Teach Kids to Do the Right Thing and Don't Give Me That Attitude! : 24 Rude, Selfish, Insensitive Things Kids Do and How to Stop Them) on bully-proofing our kids has been particularly helpful even though I originally thought it was for much older children. When I wrote to Michele about our three year-old issues she responded that we're waiting too long to teach these habits and gave me permission to post her article (see below). She mentioned that three and four-year olds should be taught to use their words and to hold their heads up high.

In my son's case, we realized his friend is most likely saying he doesn't want to be his friend when he really means, "I don't want to play that game right now". We are starting to talk through the upsetting situations and role play solutions. Here is the article (thank you Michele!).

Bully-Proofing Our Kids

by Michele Borba, Ed.D.
michele@moralintelligence.com

MORAL IQ TIP: To teach kids self-control, you must show kids self-control, so be a living example of self-control.

Dear Dr. Borba,

My son’s only seven, but he’s been coming home upset every day. He says a boy named Mark keeps teasing him. Now the rest of the kids won’t play with him because they are afraid Mark will start picking on them, too. He’s miserable and doesn’t want to go to school. What can I do to help him?

Some of the toughest problems parents must deal with happen right on the school playground where teasing, bullying and mean-spirited kids abound. There seems to be an epidemic of mean-acting kids these days. In fact, the National Education Association estimates that 160,000 children skip school every day because they fear being attacked or intimidated by other students. While we can’t prevent the pain insults can cause, we can lessen our kids’ chances of becoming victims. In my new book, Building Moral Intelligence: The Seven Essential Virtues That Teach Kids to Do the Right Thing, I tell parents the best thing to do is teach our kids how to deal with their tormentors. Doing so will show them there are ways to resolve conflicts without losing face or resorting to violence and will boost their confidence. So the next time your child is upset from teasing, here are a few ideas I suggest you do:

1. Listen and gather facts.
The first step is often the hardest for parents: listen to your child’s whole story without interrupting. Your goal is to try to figure out what happened, who was involved, where and when the teasing took place, and why your child was teased. Unfortunately, teasing is a part of growing up, but some kids seem to get more than their fair share of insults. If your child appears to be in no immediate danger, keep listening to find out how she reacts to the bullying. By knowing what reaction didn’t stop the bully, you can offer your child a more effective option.

2. Teach a bully-proofing strategy.
What may work with one child may not with another, so it’s best to discuss a range of options and then choose the one or two your child feels most comfortable with. Here are six of the most successful strategies to help kids defend themselves:

* Assert yourself. Teach your child to face the bully by standing tall and using a strong voice. Your child should name the bullying behavior and tell the aggressor to stop: “That’s teasing. Stop it.” or “Stop making fun of me. It’s mean.”

* Question the response. Ann Bishop, who teaches violence prevention curriculums, tells her students to respond to an insult with a nondefensive question: “Why would you say that?” or “Why would you want to tell me I am dumb (or fat) and hurt my feelings?”

* Use “I want.” Communication experts suggest teaching your child to address the bully beginning with “I want” and say firmly what he wants changed: “I want you to leave me along.” or “I want you to stop teasing me.”

* Agree with the teaser. Consider helping your child create a statement agreeing with her teaser. Teaser: “You’re dumb.” Child: “Yeah, but I’m good at it.” or Teaser: “Hey, four eyes.” Child: “You’re right, my eyesight is poor.”

* Ignore it. Bullies love it when their teasing upsets their victims, so help your child find a way to not let his tormentor get to him. A group of fifth graders told me ways they ignore their teasers: “Pretend they’re invisible,” “Walk away without looking at them,” “Quickly look at something else and laugh,” and “Look completely uninterested.”

* Make Fun of the Teasing. Fred Frankel, author of Good Friends Are Hard to Find suggests victims answer every tease with a reply, but not tease back. The teasing often stops, Frankel says, because the child lets the tormentor know he’s not going to let the teasing get to him (even if it does). Suppose the teaser says, “You’re stupid.” The child says a rehearsed comeback such as: “Really?” Other comebacks could be: “So?,” “You don’t say,” “And your point is?,” or “Thanks for telling me.”

3. Rehearse the strategy with your child.
Once you choose a technique, rehearse it together so your child is comfortable trying it. The trick is for your child to deliver it assuredly to the bully--and that takes practice. Explain that though he has the right to feel angry, it’s not okay to let it get out of control. Besides, anger just fuels the bully. Try teaching your child the CALM approach to defueling the tormentor.

* C - Cool down. When you confront the bully, stay calm and always in control. Don’t let him think he’s getting to you. If you need to calm down, count to twenty slowly inside your head or say to yourself, “Chill out!” And most importantly: tell your child to always get help whenever there is a chance she might be injured.

* A - Assert yourself. Try the strategy with the bully just like you practiced.

* L - Look at the teaser straight in the eye. Appear confident, hold your head high and stand tall.

* M - Mean it! Use a firm, strong voice. Say what you feel, but don’t be insulting, threaten or tease back.

Final Thoughts
Like it or not, most kids are bound to encounter children who are deliberately mean. By teaching kids effective ways to respond to verbal abuse, we can reduce their chances of being victims as well as helping them learn how to cope more successfully with future adversities. Of course, no child should ever have to deal with ongoing teasing, meanness and harassment. It’s up to adults and kids alike to take an active stand against bullying and stress that cruelty is always unacceptable.

About the Author: Michele Borba, Ed.D. a former classroom teacher, is an internationally renowned consultant and educator who has presented workshops to over half a million participants. She is the recipient of the National Educator Award and the author of eighteen books including Parents Do Make a Difference (Jossey-Bass) which was named by Child Magazine as an "outstanding parenting book of the year." She is a frequent guest expert on television and National Public Ratio talk shows including The view, ABC Home Show, The Parent Table, and is quoted in numerous national publications. She lives in Palm Springs, California with her husband and three teenage sons. Information on her publications and seminars can be accessed through her Web site, www.moralintelligence.com.